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Alter EgoBartholomew Crumb
Professioncompetitive leaf raker
Key Events
- discovered they can predict rain but only 12 minutes after it starts
- received a handwritten apology letter from a squirrel
- was briefly mistaken for a famous Norwegian poet at a gas station
Companiona crow named Margaret
Achievementcreated a playlist that makes plants grow slightly sideways
Year in One Sentencethe kind of year that makes you want to write a strongly worded letter to the universe
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Alter EgoCornelius Fidget
Professioncompetitive nap critic
Key Events
- got into a heated argument about cheese with a stranger on a train
- started a garden where everything grows upside down out of spite
- started collecting interestingly shaped puddles and documenting them
Companiona centipede named Stewart
Achievementsuccessfully communicated with a vending machine using only nods
Year in One Sentencea year that felt like wearing someone else's shoes in the right weather
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Alter EgoCaspian Velvet
Professionprofessional eyebrow model
Key Events
- was briefly trapped inside an IKEA for 11 hours and learned Swedish
- taught a crow to say 'taxes' and deeply regretted it
- won a debate against a self-checkout machine
Companiona grasshopper named Wilhelmina
Achievementbuilt a shelf so level it made other furniture feel insecure
Year in One Sentencea year that was exactly as long as it needed to be and not one minute shorter
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Alter EgoMontgomery Flask
Professionprofessional apologizer
Key Events
- started a journal documenting every time a bird looked at them judgmentally
- got into a heated argument about cheese with a stranger on a train
- found a mysterious key that opens a door they haven't found yet
Companiona worm named Archibald
Achievementsuccessfully grew a plant that only blooms when someone is lying
Year in One Sentencea year that felt like wearing someone else's shoes in the right weather
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Alter EgoGenevieve Waffle
Professionprofessional window gazer
Key Events
- found a map in a thrift store that led to an extremely mediocre sandwich
- discovered they can communicate with vending machines using only sighs
- won a debate against a self-checkout machine
Companiona hamster named Reginald
Achievementgrew a mustache so magnificent it got its own Instagram account
Year in One Sentencethe kind of year you'd describe as 'aggressively mediocre'
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Alter EgoCornelius Fidget
Professionprofessional apologizer
Key Events
- found a mysterious key that opens a door they haven't found yet
- was briefly hired as a consultant for a movie about competitive gardening
- founded a support group for people who accidentally wave back at strangers
Companiona grasshopper named Wilhelmina
Achievementlearned to whistle in a key that doesn't exist
Year in One Sentencea year that felt like wearing someone else's shoes in the right weather